The debate over same-sex marriage is missing the point.

Opponents of same-sex marriage say it will give marriage a mighty whomp and drop it to the canvas. But they are overlooking this fact: Marriage is already on the ropes. You can't blame gays and lesbians for that. Heterosexuals have done dandy job of pounding marriage.

(I've just seen the fight movie Million Dollar Baby . Does it show?)

The condition of marriage today is summed up in a recent Statistics Canada statistic: two out of five couples will divorce by their 30th wedding anniversary.

A lot of people love to be married in a religious ceremony. They promise commitment, love, giving, forgiveness and reconciliation. They will remain married, they vow, "'til death do us part".

Obviously, many of them forget their vows as soon as they leave the institution, and they rarely return to where they were married.

This has some religions worried. Last year, Pope John Pall II commented on the perilous state of marriage. The Roman Catholic Church doesn't recognize divorce, but it does, in some cases, grant annulments. In February, the Vatican issued its first revised guidelines on annulments in nearly 70 years. More than 50,000 annulments are granted each year around the globe, about two-thirds of them in the United States. The new guide lines make it tougher to get an annulment.

Our minister Robert Campbell, says now is a good time to examine the whole issue of marriage. "No one wants to go back to the days when marriage left women powerless and open to abuse" he says. "But I'm not sure the present chaos is an answer either."

What's going wrong? National Post columnist George Jonas, who was married to Barbara Amiel, the wife of Lord (Conrad) Black, blames the nanny state. Government initiatives such as divorce reform and no-fault divorce, he writes, have undermined marriage.

"Societies can have civilized marriage or civilized divorce," he says. "Our society opted for civilized divorce, and we have been living with the consequences ever since."

Dr. Phil McGraw (I love Dr. Phil because he's smart and not namby-pamby) has a different point of view. He says "we're worse at being married than almost anything we do."

The reason: unrealistic expectations. "What happens when you violate expectations? People go into shock," he says. "They start looking around for something new. On of the biggest misperceptions in relationships is the idea that if you love each other, you shouldn't have to work at it. How crazy is that?"

He adds: "Love is like an ante in a poker game - it gets you in the game. But then you have to work at it."

My friend Garret, who is an amateur expert on being dumped, says: "People are no longer interested in the ideals of marriage. The marry because they think their partner is going to meet their important needs."

Right-wing Christian Americans have rushed into Canada's debate over same-sex marriage, spending millions and even lobbying Canadian MPs on the phone. It's nice they're worried about us. But, perhaps, they should remember that 20 percent of white and 50 percent of black children in the U.S. are born out of wedlock.

If we are going to look at marriage, we should define the institution. Today's marriages are no longer the "traditional" ones so beloved by some. Nearly 70 percent of American women with children under 18 works outside the home.

No question that marriage - what some consider out most important institution - is in trouble.

One thing is sure, though: We can't blame gays and lesbians for the mess we're in.

Tom Ford is managing editor of The Issues Network